Out of the morphine the mouth speaks.

These are actual conversations I've had lately...

Me: "What happened? How did you get stabbed?"

Patient: "Well, I wuz tryin to break up the fight and I got stabbed, caught in da crossfire".

Me: "Hmm. Well this house arrest ankle bracelet does make me wonder whether you're telling me the truth or not"

Pt: "That wuz a mistake too!"

Dad comes in later with the charger for the house arrest bracelet. Because obviously you have accessories for those things.

Me: "Sir you can't use that because it's not an approved device"

Pt's dad:" But see if we don't the police come and get real mad! It mean big trouble!"

Me: "Ok sir. But I'm pretty sure they've figured out by now that he's not at home anymore..."

Me: "Sir do you remember what happened to you? Do you remember how you got hurt?"

Pt (clearly dopped up on morphine and speaking in slurs): " I got bit by an alligator"

Me: "Actually it was a zebra, sir."

Pt (throws his hands up): "Ah, Same difference.."

(He actually did have to have his leg amputated because his friends pet zebra bit it off. ??)

Pt (precious elderly gentleman with a head injury who thought we were still in 1954 and looked exactly like the old guy from Up): "Can I give you a kiss?"

Me: "No silly! This is the hospital and I'm your nurse"

Pt: Look of shock. Clearly does not understand the situation, nonetheless the decade.

Me: "Did you think you were at a bar and you were picking up girls?"

Pt:"Yes!"

Pt (high on who knows what and so drunk he got a facilitated trip to the hospital): expletive you. expletive this whole place. you expletive expletive". Charming.

Me: Don't use that kind of language around here, especially in front of women!"

Pt: "You guys are women?"

Me: "Buddy do you know where you are or what happened to you?"

Pt: "This is the worst drug trip ever!"

Me: "You cannot get out of bed. You are on narcotics and it's very dangerous because you might fall".

Pt: grunts as if he understands.

Later

Me: "Sir you cannot get out of bed! I understand you can't pee laying down but do not put your two feet on the ground".

Pt: grunts, as if he gives a crap what I'm saying

A bit later.

Me: "Ok listen buddy. This is the last time I'm going to tell you. DON'T get out of bed or there will be consequences" (in my best mom voice)

A little more later.

Catch the pt in the act. Standing up beside the bed and looks at me as if daring me to yell at him.

Me: "It is 5 in the morning and I've had it! YOU ARE DISRESPECTING ME, THIS HOSPITAL, AND EVERYONE WHO IS TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. IF YOU FALL, IT'S GOING TO BE ME THAT GETS SUED AND YOU WHO GETS HURT. NOW GET BACK IN BED RIGHT NOW. GOT IT??"

PT: " yes maam"

Winner. Personal victory for achieving a new level of intimidation.

This is by far the most entertaining aspect of my job. You just never know what you're walking into every morning. That's why it's entertaining.