I woke up this morning to an empty suitcase, clothes thrown around the room, and a frantic checklist of items I needed. Then it dawned on me...."I'm going where? I'm leaving when? Como say what?"
There are three sides to the internal cacophany that is my mind. First stage: the state of conscious, the part that makes decisions and entertains passing thoughts throughout the day. This part is what I regurgitate into this scattered stream of consciousness blog that I still can't believe anyone reads.
Stage Two: the "It will all be alright" state of mind. This is the part of me that, when I don't feel like fretting over some huge or small circumstance, dismisses whatever it is and decides that no matter what happens, it will all turn out ok. This is the part of me that feels better about life because I believe in the existence of prayer, insurance, and Liam Neilson when he's angry. However, I should know better than anyone through working in trauma, that sometimes that's not the case. It's not alright and you end up with a 2X4 in your neck, paralyzed from the chest down. (That really happened btw. Chew on that). Yeah that's real life. Hence leading to the last part of my consciousness.
Stage Three is the rational, type A, oldest child, I'm-a-freak part of me that makes to-do lists, has a stash of emergency band-aids in the car, and checks CNN for travel alerts. Besides the fact that my environment and genes lend me these insane characteristics, there are obvious advantages to being on top of life. Organization leads to less stress and saved money, as in no overdraft fees, stupid late fees at blockbuster (that I thought we got rid of 18 years ago) and a feeling that yes, I'm reliable. You can count on me. Let me just put on a blinding fake smile, pretend to be a megachurch pastor, and solve your problems. Yes, *smile*, you.
I am in constant conflict with the last two parts of my personality and I expect it to be so in India. I want to rid myself of my American tendencies but that's easier said then done. I want to go with the flow but we are already 12 minutes late! Sorry self, but no one cares in India. Meeting someone at 3 means between 1 and 5. Throw the planner mentality out the window. And the accompanying small lightweight pen. Do it.
I am gallavanting halfway across the world and bringing all of my American sentiments and bad habits with me. "Oh, no matter that Americans can be ethnocentric spoiled brats because you need us to help you. My one tiny insignificant self can change your country for the better. In two weeks. You're welcome, I'll be expecting my thank you card from the Dali Lama asap".
Ha. India is a beast that honestly, I'm not ready to experience in all it's smelly overstimulating glory. It's going to require putting aside many of my (American) bad habits: timeliness, expectation of functionality, fear of loss of control and the unknown. At home, I ardently attempt to control my life because it's easier that way. I can prevent undo stress or heartbreak or annoyance by expecting the world to do my bidding. That works for about 20 minutes and then you get a flat tire, forget a doctor's appointment, or get in a car wreck. Ask anyone over the age of 11 and they will agree. Shit happens. But life would be boring without it.
I hope that I can shed these fears and insecurities to embrace Indian life and culture, as raucous as that might be. There's a part of me that desperately longs to discard the aforementioned addictions and be free to listen and hear what the Lord has for me.
And knowing myself, I'll probably come back and want to save all the baby children, not buy shoes for a year, and eat curry (maybe not the last one). But would that really be so bad? To valiantly go against the cultural grain and make drastic changes to live for something more? I don't think so. I think the slumdog is going to win this one.
So here I go, the good along with the bad. My ethnocentrism combined with a deep love for people and culture. My timeliness along side a beautiful spontaneity that exists in this country. And if anything goes down, there's always Liam Neilson to kick some ass. I feel pretty good about that.
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