Tuesday, August 17, 2010

An Inconceivable Love

Three weeks out, India still seems like a jumble of experience, coated with culture, and laced with a sense of foreign mysticism (and possibly dysentery). The country does take on a personality, a life of it's own that forms in your mind in it's own unique way. Everyone sees it differently, takes away various nuggets of truth, and finally realizes they have a love for it they did not immediately perceive, especially after eating straight naan for a week. It's invariably true that you come to love even the disgusting or repulsive parts along with the beautiful because, in the end, it wouldn't be one without the other.

My writing right now has no cohesive train of thought. Stream of consciousness in it's highest and most chaotic sense. I believe part of this to be due to the nature of India. In India, anything can and does happen. If you can't leave the hotel because of a train workers strike, then so be it. If the rain causes the conference to be delayed a day, so be it. If you work so hard on planting your crops or harvesting and it gets destroyed in an instant, so it shall go. Start over and stop crying about it. Thus is the mindset of the people and it's manifestation in life. No one starts yelling "but I need to get to work!" because everyone adapts to the changes and no one takes the liberty of getting upset at others. No one furiously spats, "I'm an important person and I deserve better!" because the harsh reality is that there are a billion people in this country, and you sir, are simply ONE of them. This country was built around a collective humility of self that doesn't allow one individual to demand of others. People die if they don't work together. And you sir, will get swallowed up by the masses that you viciously insult. Don't mess with a billion devoted people.

Contrast this to The Great U.S. of A. We perpetuate the idea that everyone should rise to the top, be an individual, build a great building and put your name on it. Then you will be immortal in the science building of Texas Tech University. Sorry, but we strive for these lame claim to fame's as if a 100 years from now, anyone will care. I'm pretty sure no one cares about Tech now, but I'm only joking.

I left the airport in India (Mumbai might be my most horrific travel experience thus far, but that's another blog for another day) with a feeling of lazy contentment that excluded any sense of the frantic, stressful, and overstimulated. But what did I do when I landed in Chicago? Pulled out my phone and caught up on the 400 tweets I had missed. Checked my facebook to see who had desperately missed me while I was gone. Called my parents (probably the only noble thing I did while waiting in that customs line). I seriously could have kissed that dirty, germ-infested airport linoleum for the sake of being back in the familiar and getting a giant spinach salad. Yes, these toilets looked safe for human life and I was allowed to wear my shoes in them. Bless American hygiene.

Now, looking at photos nostalgically and remembering that yes, I was there and yes, it was real, I find myself losing all of the lessons I learned so very quickly. You go to a foreign country to glean some better aspects of their culture, correct? Then why am I so desperately attached to mine, even when I realize that some parts of it destroy my soul in little bits everyday?

Music in the car was offensive to me when I returned. Not just, turn it down but oh my gosh this crap causes me to have facial contorsions and spit it out like a knuckle in a chicken. Gross, I know. But now I don't mind. I've settled into the routine again and honestly, it pisses me off. It's as if America is some natural born addiction that forces me to pump Entertainment and Pleasure into my veins through an 18 gauge. I feel nauseous and unsettled without it because it's what's expected of me here. In India, I could get away with laying around for 2 hours, chatting, reading etc and not feel a sting of guilt about it. Well that feeling has long passed and I wonder how to get it back. What's it going to take for me to sustain those feelings against our culture of constant busyness, over-booked schedules, and obsession with success and beauty? Not one of those is a valiant quality and we have unknowingly, used our precious and valuable freedom to a sickening extent.

I don't have the answer, just an awareness of it. There's no anecdotal conclusion to this blog, no sentimental truth to leave you with except don't be ignorant of what the Lord shows you- here at home or at the farthest corners of the earth. Ignorance is not always bliss. Knowledge is uncomfortable but eventually, life-changing. I choose change any day of the week.

p.s. I realize these blogs aren't about nursing at all but get over it, my two followers :).


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